Don’t forget protection.

Occasionally, just like anyone else, I have moments of utter idiocy. One of these moments occurred on Tuesday, while watching Jeopardy. I thought it would be a great idea to make some apple chips. However, I got too excited about the final question and looked at the TV just as I sliced my thumb on the mandolin I was using. Thankfully, stitches were not necessary.

As my job requires me to work with my hands, I was slightly concerned. I do wear latex gloves, but the bandages don’t stay on due to excessive hand washing and glove changes. This proved difficult, until I found this bad boy to shield my injury:

A FINGER CONDOM! Apparently, we had a whole box and I found the last one. I suppose they are technically called “finger sleeves” but where’s the fun in that?

I don’t think I need to explicitly mention all of the uses for these things that popped into my head upon my discovery..

If I’m not mistaken, you can find these at your local Spencer’s Gifts or through a medical supply company. I pick Spencer’s, because they are sure to have better packaging.

Here’s what I’d like to know…

For those of you who do not know, my house has been subject to some pretty dumb pranking over the last couple of months. I’m a little pissy about it, but mostly this person is just lame.

And this is the face I’m giving you, you clever little vandal, you–

You’ve GOT to be kidding me, bro-ha.

Here’s what I’d like to know:

When did it become acceptable to squirt a bottle of ketchup in someone’s mailbox as a prank? Ummm my guess is that it didn’t. Perhaps you are trying to be funny, whoever the hell you are, but its starting to get real freaking old. Spitting on car windows, our welcome mat out front, etc…

Ketchup in the mailbox? Are you for real? Firstly, that’s just messy and disgusting. Secondly, I’m sure you could think of something better…that’s not so creative. I’m sure you’re about 15 years old and think it’s cool to mess with people’s stuff, but NEWS FLASH! It’s not.

Perhaps you would enjoy it if I waited for you and dumped a whole bucket of ketchup on your head as you passed by. Or maybe spat on your bike. I’ve heard it’s the new hip thing to do. Riding around with giant lougies dried on your vehicle, I mean. Really, it’s totally fashionable.

Idiot.

Sometimes, people just suck.

Guess who had a stressful weekend? Oh yes, I did.

This past Saturday, there was supposed to be a craft show a few miles from where I live. I was so excited because craft shows are great places to get Christmas gifts for friends. When I arrived, there were approximately 15 food trucks and -15 crafts. That’s right. No crafts whatsoever. Irritating. Food trucks are great when you’re hungry, but I had just eaten so that didn’t help ease my annoyance. I decided (about 10 minutes later) to go 20 minutes down the road to a little town center because my mother told me that they had a lot of stuff the day before. However, before I even got on the main road, some idiot hit me while I was stopped at a stop sign. The excuse was, “We’re going through a lot. My brother died yesterday. He got shot and died.”

Hmmm…considering that was the only thing they said to me, I’ll just assume they didn’t have insurance. At least there was no damage.

By the time I got to the second place, the police had blocked off everything within a mile radius for a parade later on in the day. I had to park at a hospital and walk into town, only to find about 2 open stores that had…nothing. Excellent. So I tried Kohls. Again, niente. Waste of an entire day.

In fact, the only amusing part of the day was my 5 minutes stroll through an antique store that had this gem standing in the middle of it:

I suppose Edward Cullen could be considered an antique since he’s old as hell. But he’s also not real…so I guess you fail, ridiculous antique store. An Edward cardboard cutout with a red lipstick kiss on it is not only modern, it’s unsanitary. Someone put their lips all over that thing and you should not be selling it. End of story.

Sunday sucked too but that’s not even worth talking about. 

And I thought urine jokes were for kids.

The Universal Technical Institute. I saw a commercial for it recently. Thought I should share.

This is a real place people. Its like Ivy Tech or The university of Phoenix. One of those places. Only the Universal Technical Institute didn’t think about what they were calling their university.

Got it yet? No? Let me give you a hint. Here’s their website:

http://www.UTI.edu

I hope you didn’t need to click on it to realize what’s going on here. I’m shocked this place isn’t a urology school.

Dear ND, Stop telling other teams to suck it if that’s all you’re doing.

I know I promised you croissants but it just has to wait until tomorrow.

This is why:

http://news.cotabatoexchange.com/notre-dame-football-schedule-2010_1014.html

If you don’t know me, my family is a big Fighting Irish clan. We bleed Notre Dame blue and gold. Okay…I don’t really, because I went to Saint Mary’s and well…we know better. But I still like them. ANYWAY, my parents decided to have an impromptu ND v. Stanford party tonight (too bad they are playing like shit…big surprise). WOOOOOOOOOO 50yrs+ partayyyyyyy! This resulted in my taking advantage of the free Captain Morgan and beer.

Croissants can wait.

Alright, so I did it again.

I’m what one might call a “moron.” The first time I was in London, I didn’t have a camera, because it broke while I was in Assisi a few weeks beforehand…so obviously, I only have stolen pictures from my travel buddy. This time, I just stupidly forgot my camera when we went into the city the first day. No pictures from that day. The second day (our last day) in London, I brought my camera and was super stoked to get it out. Then we spent hours running around Harrods and by the time we were outside and wandering, it was dark and we had about 2 hours to get dinner and head to the theatre. I did manage to get photos of one thing. The most important thing to see in London.

Big Ben? No.

Westminster Abbey? Definitely not.

Buckingham Palace? Hah. Yeah, right.

That’s right. You got it, smarty pants! The Peter Pan statue. Oh yes. We ventured into Kensington Gardens in the dark because I couldn’t stand to miss it a second time. I had to see it since I was in London again.

In all seriousness, though, it’s pretty cool. Trust.

Such fun detail, I think.

Despite seeing London’s most important statue, the best part of our few days in London was our time spent in the West End. We saw The Lion King, which was great. The costumes were really inventive and visually fabulous. We also saw Les Miserables. If you haven’t seen it, you need to. This was my second time seeing it (the first time was probably 10 years ago) and, I’m telling you, it is AMAZING! Everything about it is engaging. Absolutely worth your time and money. Plus, who doesn’t want to look at this iconic face on a huge scrim before the curtain rises?

I certainly did.

Damn toilets!

I’m not sure if you’re aware if this, but the train I took in England informed me that toilets can get engaged. Presumably, they can get married too.

Should we have wooed and clapped for it’s engagement? Perhaps. Did we? No. Because that would have been absurd. Toilets can’t love, Great Britain. They just can’t.